Herniated Disc

The art of the goodbye is a difficult one. In the last 2 years I have said goodbye to 3 countries and 5 cities (College Park, Eldersburg, Mexico City, Puebla, São Paulo) and am now on my way to my 4th city where I am arriving knowing few to no people and walking in faith that God will take care of me. However, these goodbyes have not been the only ones that God has been teaching me. God has been teaching me very difficult lessons in letting go of things I cherish. As most of you know I have been suffering for the past 6 weeks with severe back pains. After hospital visits, x-rays and several treatments from a chiropractor my pain continued to worsen and I went and got an MRI which diagnosed me with a very large hernia in my lower back. With each new hospital or doctor I hoped for an answer that wouldn’t be that, I prayed that somehow there might be some simpler answer and that I might be able to get back to my normal life. I have struggled to come to terms with the pain and why it is that this is happening to me at the age of 23. I kept reminding God that I was 23 and wasn’t supposed to have these sorts of problems.
I think in life there are always character and faith defining moments. In every good epic movie the characters are faced with trials early on in the film that prepare them, that give them the strength for more difficult tests in the future. I truly believe that God is using this back problem to prepare me to fulfill his will, to break me and teach me dependence on him. I look to James where it says that we should consider it pure joy when we suffer trials because they produce perseverance and perseverance produces maturity and the completion of our faith. I can say literally that this health problem has brought me to my knees (or to my bed, or should I say my mattress on the floor). It has been a very humbling experience to realize that I am a weak and fragile human being. Throughout my whole life I have been a passionate athlete, I never knew anything but to play at 100% intensity with no concern for my body. I never was the most skilled, but I played with heart and played for the love of the game. Now to be in pain just in sitting down for a few minutes or trying to walk a few meters is a humbling thing. It’s hard not to be out there playing ball with the boys. It puts to the test my belief that God works all things for the good of those that love him. I have been faced with saying goodbye, perhaps forever to my life as I knew it. My “normal” life (if you could call it that) might be gone forever, the days of pain free kicking around of a soccer ball or carrying heavy things for other people might be over. I have put my back on the altar and offered it to God, if it brings glory to him and is what I need than I am willing to spend the rest of my life with this pain. Each morning as I get up the pain reminds me that this world is not my home, as if the Portuguese and the different culture didn’t do it, now I am getting the message. It has also taught me to appreciate the small things, to truly be thankful to God for each new day, for each breath of air and for each time I am able to sit down and eat.
Since the pain started I have lost a lot of my mobility and have had to spend a fair amount of time with bed rest. I started to read the Bible from Genesis on and have been amazed by how captivating it has been for me. Not a single book failed to fascinate me and teach me about this God that I am learning to surrender my life to. I have been struck by his heart for his people, his love of justice and the simplicity of his call to us. Over and over again in the Old Testament he says that he wants his people to seek him and he will be found, to look to him, to seek his face, his will, to put all of our hope in him and to stand firm in his strength, seeking refuge in his strong and loving arms. I am reminded that so often in our comfortable American lives we don’t seek refuge in God because we don’t see the storm, we don’t feel the winds picking up and so we continue as if life is normal. I think to the people before the Tsunami hit who were playing on the beach, picking up the sea shells oblivious the incoming terror. I praise God that he has shown me the storm and that it is real, perhaps he needed to debilitate my back to make me see that I need to find my only refuge and shelter in him. It is so easy to take refuge in bank accounts, health insurance, money, abilities, jobs, degrees etc.
I think to how many times I have wrestled with the godliness of health insurance as I have always felt that it is hedging our bets if God doesn’t come through for us. I now am experiencing what it is like to have a health crisis without insurance and can say that God has been faithful, providing me with friends and “family” who have taken care of me. I recognize this would not be possible in the US (could write a lot of commentary on this but won’t) or at least difficult. After a visit to a public hospital I left with an X-ray that I didn’t pay for, managed to find a Chiropractor who treats me for free and then get an MRI for discounted rate (about $250 for MRI and some other exam I don’t know the name of in English where they inject some kind of dye in you and do another MRI). I have no reason to believe that God will not continue to care for me as I travel this coming week for Colombia. I would ask for prayers for the transition, which would be difficult under normal circumstances, but is even more daunting with the back problems. One thing though, that I can assure you all is that I am closer to God now than I was two months ago and for that I praise God for my herniated disc. Some days I cry because of the pain and some days thanking God for the gift of the pain to make me remember who he is and who I am.
I am sad to leave Brasil, to say goodbye to Claudio, my 50 year old drug dealer friend who is currently wearing my favorite pair of shorts as he stands in front of the favela selling drugs. He was the first person to talk to me on my first day in the favela. He said “hey you, gringo, are you a missionary?” and then told me I had a good heart and that he wanted to have a good one too. Today he asked me for a pair of shorts and after thinking about how I didn’t really have any to give him I was convicted by Jesus’ words and I went and grabbed a pair for him and told him that another world was possible, that there was hope outside of the traffic and that I would be praying for him. He told me that he knew that there was more to life and that he was looking for it too. I will be sad to say goodbye to him, to the little kids that come up to me shouting “Tio!, Tio!” and jump into my arms, I’ll miss the high school kids that have become like the little brothers I never had and I will miss my family here at Casa Esperança.
To conclude this letter (sorry for its length) I wanted to thank you all for your prayers, concerns and emails. I want you all to know that I praise God for all of you and count all my struggles and pains pure joy as I know they are helping me trust in God. I have always felt like God had big plans for my life if I would only let him in. I still don’t know what those plans are, but I know he brought me here to Brasil for a reason, I know that he has given me a herniated disc at the age of 23 for a reason and I know that if I continue to look towards him, to seek him and run the race with my eyes fixed on him that he will go with me and his mighty hand will be at my side. I leave on Tuesday, the 17th for two months in Sincelejo, Colombia to work with Dr. David Befus (former LAM president). He has a microenterprise development ministry and I am excited to learn from him. Pray for the day I travel for strength to survive the day, I will be leaving my house at 5:30 am, grab a bus to the airport, then a 6 hour flight to Colombia, a 2 hour layover, a 2 hour flight and then a 3 hour bus ride. Pray that God’s will would be done there and that God willing my back would not get in the way of the ministry. After that I will head back to Mexico City for yet another summer. Pray for healing and recovery as well as continued growth and patience for my back. Pray that I can find a doctor to treat me affordably in Colombia. Pray for all my brothers and sisters here in Buraco Quente (my favela), pray that God would use Casa Esperança to be a light and a hope in the community.